I am Shelly.

“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.” ~ Jean Vanier

My son is an addict and …

I am a mama in pain… but there’s hope…

I need you to know you’re not alone on this journey of trying to love the sometimes impossible, your addict child; but even more impossible, yourself.

I’ve spent the last 4 years in this dark existence. Although truth be told, I’ve been living in that gray area between reality and shame for several years. My son’s “addict” brain has always been there. Sure, they’ve called it ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression, and bi-polar; I’ve even heard obsessive compulsive and oppositional defiance disorder over the years. I realize these are real disorders and that my son most likely has suffered and still suffers from one or more, but the truth is, I needed there to be a “reason” for his behavior away from “me”. A solid reason beyond the barrage of excuses that would tumble out of my mouth in school meetings, to my husband, and to my family. I failed to recognize there was a greater problem for far too long. How do we, as mothers, even begin to respect our own judgment and love ourselves at all when we KNOW we’ve failed? When we look back and see so clearly what we SHOULD have done… What we WOULD do if given the ability to turn back time…

Unfortunately, both the problem and the answer is, we can’t. Let’s face it, if we believe we failed in some aspect as a mother, that thought is here to stay. We have to the leave the past, forgive ourselves, creating a better version of the woman who excused bad behavior for far too long. You CAN be happy again. You CAN love yourself more than you ever thought possible. Even with your child in active addiction.

The irony here? Your child’s destructive path is what will lead you to the self improvement you’ve most likely always needed. If there’s one common denominator of mothers I’ve met on this journey, it’s the lack of self love we all share. The shame of this secret that we all have mastered hiding. Isn’t it time to come out of the shadows and start giving yourself a little credit?